The book “Boundaries- When to Say YES- When to Say NO- To take control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend was the basis for this presentation.
Treasure defined as:
Noun: someone or something considered exceptionally precious
Verb: To recognize the worth, quality, importance, or magnitude of: to appreciate, cherish, esteem, prize, respect, value
Relationships are defined as:
A state of connectedness between people and also a state of connectedness between God and us.
Foundational points:
1. Boundaries are all about relationships- relationships that are lovingly open and honest with: God, ourselves, and others.
Mark 12:28-31
One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?” “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: “Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.
2. Boundaries are not designed to be built in a vacuum.
3. Establishing and Maintaining Boundaries is hard work, but very rewarding.
4. Establishing and Maintaining Boundaries is a process that takes time.
Examples of boundaries:
The words “no” or “yes” are boundaries.
Matthew 5:37 Simply let your “Yes” be “Yes” and your “No”, “No”….
Truth
Knowing the truth about God and His unchangeable reality helps us define who we are. There is safety in truth.
Psalm 119:45 I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts.
Geographical Distance
Proverbs 22:3 A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge,
But the simple keep going and suffer for it.
Time
Ecclesiastes 3:5b A time to embrace and a time to turn away
Emotional Distance
A boundary is anything that helps to differentiate you from someone else, anything that shows where you as a person, with your responsibilities, begins and ends.
The limits you place on actions / thoughts / feelings in order to provide / protect / promote security in relationships
An insight into how to define spiritual and emotional boundaries can be found in
Galatians 6:2 and 5.
Galatians 6:2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Greek word for burdens means “excess burdens” or burdens that are so heavy they weigh us down. The situations that reflect times when helping each other is what Christ wants us to do because the burden if so very heavy and difficult.
Galatians 6:5 for each one should carry his own load.
Greek word for load means “cargo” or “the burden of daily toil.” This term describes the everyday things we all need to do for ourselves at an age appropriate level.
We are responsible to others and for ourselves
Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart,
For it affects everything you do.
Drs. Cloud and Townsend have identified 10 aspects of our emotional and spiritual make-up for which we are responsible-Attitudes, Beliefs, Behaviors, Choices, Desires, Feelings, Limits, Love, Talents, Thoughts, and Values.
The purpose of establishing boundaries is to enable us to-Love the Lord our God and our neighbors as we love ourselves and to do this with joy, peace, and a sense of fulfillment.
“Our goal is to help you use biblical boundaries appropriately to achieve the relationships and purposes that God intends for you as his child.” Drs. Cloud and Townsend
The inability to set appropriate boundaries at appropriate times with the appropriate people can be very destructive.
4 main personality characteristics that contribute to Boundary Problems
Compliants: Say “Yes” to the Bad
Weak, Fuzzy and Indistinct boundaries
“Melt” into the demands and needs of other people
Minimize their differences with others so as not to “rock the boat”
The inability to say no keeps them from refusing evil in their lives and it often keeps them from recognizing evil.
Inability to say “no” driven by fear-
¨ Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings
¨ Fear of abandonment and separateness
¨ A wish to be totally dependent on another
¨ Fear of someone else’s anger
¨ Fear of punishment
¨ Fear of being shamed
¨ Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
¨ Fear of being unspiritual
¨ Fear of one’s over strict, critical conscience- false guilt
Matthew 9:13 I want you to be merciful; I don’t want your sacrifices.”
Avoidants: Say “No” to the Good
Avoidants display the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, or to let others in.
¨ Withdraw when they are in need
¨ Do not ask for the support of others
Boundaries are supposed to be able to “breathe” to be like fences with a gate that can let the good in and the bad out.
Controllers: Don’t Respect Others’ Boundaries
¨ “No” is simply a challenge to change the other persons’ mind.
¨ Controllers are perceived as bullies, manipulative, and aggressive.
¨ Controllers are isolated.
¨ Controllers rarely feel love.
¨ Tend to project responsibility for their lives onto others.
Aggressive Controllers-
§ Don’t listen to others’ boundaries
§ Run over fences like tanks
§ Sometimes verbally abusive and or physically abusive
§ Most of the time simply not aware that others even have boundaries
§ Attempt to get others to change to make the world fit their idea of what life should be.
Manipulative Controllers
§ Try to persuade people out of their boundaries
§ Seduce others into carrying their burdens
§ Use guilt messages
Nonresponsives: Don’t Hear The Needs of Others
¨ They exhibit a lack of attention to the responsibilities of love.
¨ Those with a critical spirit toward others’ needs.
¨ Those who are so absorbed in their own desires and needs they exclude others (a form of narcissism.)
¨
Proverbs 3:27 Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it’s in your power to help them.
Romans 12:18 Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible.
Philippians 2:4 Don’t think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing.
Lamentations 3:40 Let us examine our ways and test them,
and let us return to the LORD.
If using the model of Boundaries to “examine your ways” is somewhat new to you it may be beneficial to consider some Myths of Boundaries.
A myth is fiction that looks like truth.
1. Myth: If I set boundaries, I’m being selfish
Truth: If I set appropriate boundaries, I’m being a steward and actually increase my ability to care about others.
In what current relationship would clearer more appropriate boundaries enable you to be a more caring person?
2. Myth: Boundaries are a sign of disobedience
Truth: Lack of boundaries can often be a sign of disobedience.
Appropriate boundaries are a sign of obedience.
Hosea 6:6 For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.
Are you saying “yes” externally but meaning “no” internally in any current situation? What do you think God is asking you to do?
Are you saying “no” too quickly and not being obedient to what God may be asking you to do?
3. Myth: If I begin setting boundaries, I will be hurt by others.
Truth: If I don’t set boundaries, I will be hurt by others.
Is God prompting you to establish a boundary in any of your relationships to prevent more pain and hurt?
4. Myth: If I set boundaries, I will hurt others.
Truth: If I set boundaries, I will encourage others to pick up their “backpack.”
Is there a person in your life who would benefit from you setting a boundary?
5. Myth: Boundaries mean that I am angry
Truth: Anger is a sign that our boundaries have been violated.
Anger is defined as an intent to preserve:
1. Personal worth
2. Essential needs
3. Basic Convictions
What actions do you need to take to prevent “boundary violation”?
Don’t get mad-set a limit!
6. Myth: When others set boundaries, they injure me.
Truth: When others set inappropriate boundaries, they injure me.
Who are you allowing to set inappropriate boundaries with you?
What steps of action can you begin to take to lovingly confront them?
7. Myth: Boundaries cause feelings of guilt.
Truth: Lack of boundaries can cause feelings of guilt.
Appropriate boundaries foster feelings of peace /freedom.
Once I’ve identified what God wants me to have within my boundaries-when I’m able to treasure those aspects of my life I have a sense of peace not guilt- freedom not bondage.
In what relationships have feelings of obligation prevented you from setting boundaries?
8. Myth: Boundaries are permanent and I’m afraid of burning my bridges.
Truth: Boundaries can be temporary and I can rebuild bridges.
Boundaries can be changed-if someone else responds maturely-If you feel in a safer place.
God chose not to destroy Ninevah, when the city repented- Jonah 3:10
The apostle Paul rejected John Mark for a mission trip-because John Mark had deserted Paul. However, later, Paul requested John Mark’s companionship. (2Tim. 4:11)
What boundaries can you set knowing that they don’t have to be permanent?
How do I begin to establish boundaries?
Three things we cannot control- People, People, and People.
1. Stay close to God.
Pray
Read the Bible
2. Lean on the support of others
3. Have confidence in your ability to learn how to establish your “Spiritual / Emotional Boundaries” and give yourself time.
There is nothing that you are presently doing that you did not have to learn.
Take one relationship at a time- ask the Lord to guide you as you interact in a new way with the people in your world.
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